Me, right now, honestly:
I can't decide what to do with my hair- keep it how it is, grow it out, color it a different color- I just don't know and I don't feel like anyone will honestly tell me their opinion. I don't blame them- I rarely give my 'honest' opinion (in regards to appearance) when asked for it either. The fact that I have wrinkles and dark age spots is starting to bother me- I never thought I'd care. I hate wearing a bra and wish that I didn't have to EVER. I just had my appendix out a week ago on Saturday. Although I greatly appreciate the meals people brought in I feel embarrassed to accept them. I think it is Lance's turn to have an organ removed. At least he is starting to get a handful of grey hairs. If I watch TV I watch Beachfront Bargains, Hawaii Life, House Hunter's International or reruns of Big Bang Theory. I am trying to teach myself to crochet something other than baby blanket edging and am currently making myself a crochet bag. I am not at all sure that I am doing it right because it doesn't quite look like the picture on the instructions. I love to eat but pretty much don't cook much at all anymore. I would eat out every day if I could. (Sushi would be my first choice) After about 3 years I still LOVE my chickens. I do cook scrambled eggs almost every day. I wish we lived on a bigger piece of property so that I could have bunnies, ducks, geese, goats, and horses. I absolutely loved working in Mrs. Nitiharto's kindergarten class this last school year and absolutely HATED being a recess lady. Not sure I want to work at all this next school year because Missy tapped me to be her PTSA secretary at Willowcreek and I am not at all sure how I am going to get everything done. I am worried about doing a good job as secretary because although I have always been confident in my abilities especially as a secretary (I've done it twice before) - harsh comments in regards to my efforts in PTA I received this past school year from someone I shouldn't even care about hurt more than I can describe. When discouraged I spend too much time online and reading as a way to escape. I feel guilty about it everyday. I hate housework. I am grateful that all my kids and Lance help out in various ways otherwise our house would be a pigsty. I am jealous of my older brother's garden but not of the amount of time it took to create and maintain it. I have sincerely lost all hope that our basement will ever be done. I would like to live somewhere other than Utah, at least for a few years. Preferably somewhere warm all year round because I hate snow and ice. Speaking of ice and snow . . . I am still deathly afraid of slipping and falling so during winter I am in a constant state of anxiety. Standing water on the floor freaks me out too. I want to start going to do water aerobics but anxiety about walking on slippery dirty floors stops me. I am not sure how to feel about my two church callings (cub committee chair and Relief Society evening meeting coordinator). Both are easy so I can't complain but I really miss my primary presidency calling - I really felt like I was making a difference. I struggle with forgiving people who hurt my feelings or let me down. I don't expect people to be perfect but when they let me down I have a hard time forgetting it. I still wish we were in the 7th ward. I know that there is no way to go back to that magical time when I felt like I knew most everyone in the ward and was surrounded by friends. I miss my 7th ward book club but it isn't the same as it once was and I feel like I don't fit there anymore. I miss the social aspect more than the book aspect because I have very specific tastes in books these days. I think that I am a better mom than I used to be but not nearly as good as my kids deserve. I yell too much but I yell less than Lance does. I find it difficult to not play favorites with my kids. I wish I liked actually playing with my kids but I don't. I feel unprepared to deal with the challenges of having a teen because I didn't feel like a teen even when I was a teen. I love listening to my kids play piano, practice musical theater and pretend play. I am proud of them and think that they are the most talented kids ever - even though they aren't. I fight the urge to be an annoying stage mom. I miss having my mom as a confidante and person to share my kids triumphs with. She was my kids biggest fan. I am grateful that Missy is willing be the confidante and sounding board I need. She is the person in this world that I am closest to other than Lance and my kids. I am still not sure what being a "good wife" entails and I have a suspicion that whatever it is I am not doing it very well. I am terrible at gift giving and remembering people's birthdays. I feel guilty about that most of the time too. I do try to send thank you cards but after I get them written, forget to send them. I would rather text, email or message someone than talk on the phone unless that person is Missy, then I can talk for hours. I still love photography as much as I did when I started doing it in junior high. I get a little rush when I see photos that I have worked on with Missy hanging in people's homes. I also love seeing my digital scrapbooking printed out in real life. I like playing any of the LEGO Wii games but no other Wii games and only if I can play by myself. I love books, new and old. I visit the library at least once a week and the online library several times a week. One of my greatest hopes is that all my children will have a love of reading as adults. JJ and Hannah are well on their way to making that hope a reality. I am still working on Asher. I am extremely jealous of my friends and family who have sisters, moms or daughters they are close to. I wish I could claim a closer connection to any of extended my family - as close a connection as I have with Missy. I have no idea how to make that happen without either horning in, being pushy or just plain pathetic. I am extremely sensitive to feeling unwanted. I wish my house was fancier and decorated better but also feel like that would be a waste of time and money. It is very important to me that my kids appearances be neat and clean but not necessarily wearing name brand clothes. Between Hannah hating having her hair fixed, JJ being extremely hard on clothing and shoes and Asher wearing primarily JJ's hand me downs it can be a struggle to maintain the neat aspect. Lance does a dang good job keeping all our clothes clean. Anything I know about laundry I learned from him. I am blessed in a myriad of ways, many of which I take for granted. I am light years from being perfect and question my own place in this world regularly. I do try to be kind most of the time but sometimes falter at even that. I really don't understand why several of my friends no longer want to associate with me. Some days I wish I knew but most days I am afraid to find out. I want my home if not the world to be a better place because I am in it.
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